In my formative years, I don’t recall any elementary school teachers sharing some mathematical puns with us. I suppose that the arithmetic of yesteryear was often taught in the most uninteresting way by many who probably didn’t look forward to teaching it to a bunch of noisy kids.
Recently, while reading Stewart Francis’s Pun direction: Over 500 of his greatest gags…and four crap ones!, I came across a number of numerical puns that might even be appreciated by some nerdy seven-year-olds. Stewart Francis is considered to be the best Canadian comedian from Southern Ontario. Here are two dozen odd math-related puns I’ve stolen from his punny book. Hope you enjoy them!
The number of twins being born has doubled.
They also stole my calculator,
which doesn’t add up.
Four out of ten people are used in surveys. Six are not.
Crime in lifts is on the rise.
I recently overcame my fear of calculators.
It was a twelve-step program.
Women are attracted to foreign men. I’ve heard that at least uno, dos, tres times.
All seventeen of my doctors say I have an addictive personality.
There’s a slim chance my sister’s anorexic.
Truthfully, we met at a chess match, where she made the first move.
Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes.
I read that ten out of two people are dyslexic.
They now have a website for stutterers, it’s
I have mixed race parents, my father prefers the 100 metres.
I’m the youngest of three, my parents are both older.
Clichés are a dime a dozen.
I’m an underachiever 24-6.
I used to recycle calendars.
Those were the days.
I’ve learned two things in life.
The second, is to never cut corners.
‘Any man who lives his life in accordance to a book is a fool.’
I can say ‘No one likes a show off’ in forty-three languages.
I was once late because of
high-fiving a centipede.
Of the twenty-seven
students in my maths class,
I was the only one who failed.
What are the odds of that, one
in a million?
I’ve met some cynical people
in my twenty-eight years.
I was good at history.
Wait a minute, no, no I wasn’t.
I was terrible at school. I failed
maths so many times, I can’t even
Francis, S. (2913). Pun direction: Over 500 of his greatest gags…and four crap ones! London: Headline Publishing Group.
© Yan Kow Cheong, March 19, 2014.